Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Dave's Analysis

So they just called with Dave's "manly" analysis. Turns out his count is normal. This is good news! Heck Dave yelled,"yipee!" when I called! But as soon as he calmed himself down he got all serious and said, "OK hun, well now we gotta work on you and we'll do whatever has to be done." he wants another child just as much as I do.
So yes, now it's all my body's fault that we aren't pregnant yet. It's only been 30 minutes and I am talking myself into staying positive. I did go in and hug Kaila after I talked to Dave. There is a possiblility that she will be the only child I raise and she is growing up so fast in front of our eyes! Ever since we have been going through this battle Dave has gotten alot closer to her. I think it makes him see that he needs to spend more time with her before she grows into a little woman and tries to become indepedant. He has always spent time with her but more as sit in front of the boob tube time. Not one on one teaching her how to play checkers, reading together and talking time. For this I am grateful. She really is a goofball and he misses out on a lot of stuff that goes on here during the day while he's at work!
It does kinda suck knowing that my reproductive organs are the problem. Don't get me wrong I am totally psyched that Dave's count is normal! If he wasn't then we would be totally screwed. Once/if that goes down there really is nothing they can do. At least with me there are possibilities and we will do whatever the doctor says.
But it still is emotionally draining to know you are the sole reason. This is just really ironic for me! I have been living my life for kids and wanting to be a mom forever! I use to tell my mom when I was really young that I was going to have 88! Now I pray every night that God will allow me to give birth to just one. I also tell him that if I go on Clomid and end up with mutiple births that would be fine too if that's what has to happen. Of course I more pray for just one at a!
I just heard from a friend of mine that one of the couples we met at their house on borad game nights is pregnant. This is awsome because she and her husband have been trying for 9 years! Doctors couldn't find anything about why? So she was one of those rare cases where you never know why you are having problems with your fertility. So they thought it would never happen! I am soooo happy for them!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Sonohysterography Update

So I called my Radiologist today. I got the same woman that I made my pelvic sonogram with. She is very friendly. I told her my story and she said, "Well we need to get you in here and it doesnt sound like AF is cooperating. So let me see what's first available and we will take it from there." Unlike the lady I talked to on Monday who told me I had to have a normal AF top have this procedure done....weird how some people can be. I could be getting it done on Friday if she would have listen to me! So anywho I have it September 8th. She told me not to cancel unless I have my AF the day before and I have had it for some time. So that was a little relief. I was afraid I would get who I had on Monday and she would cut me off like she did on Monday.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005
MY PCOS Diet Advice

So I was standing in the living room watching TV. Dave walked by and yanked my shorts and they fell to the floor around my ankles! No he wasn't trying to "get some." He was harassing me! I have been loosing inches lately. I say inches because I refuse to step on the evil scale. I had been wearing my fat shorts. All my shorts are a big size but these are "THE" fat Shorts. If you get what I mean? The weight I was fighting very hard to lose in the past still hasn't crept up on me so I still am at a loss. A loss I like. These shorts lay on my hips (which is a big deal since I puff out in the mid section going all the way around the back) and are barely hanging on. So Dave harassed me earlier saying he could tug a tiny bit and down they would go...and he proved!
So what have I been doing? Well I have been reading alot about PCOS. Basically my fat could be what is keeping me from fufilling our dream of conceiving and having a baby. Alot of women who start loosing weight end up becoming pregant in the process. So I have been doing what I have been reading. Turns out women with this have a low tolerance for chemicals. We shouldn't be eating food nuked in the microwave inside plastic bowls. Avoid drinking from aluminum containers and plastic, drink only from glass. Should basically be on an organic diet. Stay away from added sugar products,ready-made meals because these food contain artificial colorings and additives. Plus eat regularly. Women with PCOS have a slower metobolic rate than normal so they recomend eating smaller portions and often to wake it up. Basically if you are having cereal and fruit for breakfast eat the fruit and then an hour later the cereal. So as you lose weight your symptoms of PCOS can disappear. There is a book out there with the exact diet and I plan on getting it. I have been doing all the above but rinsing off my fruit since organic isn't in my price range.They recomend rinsing with 1 part cider vinegar to 12 parts water.. I don't have any vinegar but I will soon. Also to snack on cucumbers throughout the day. Cucumber is a natural diuretic and will help to prevent fluid retention problems.I also have been doing the PCOS exercises recomended
here. Also 10 minutes on my gazelle. But for now I am doing my baby steps.

Update on me

So as you know I got AF on Friday. Well as fast as she came, she went. That meanie left by the afternoon. I waited and waited all weekend for her return but she is MIA. So I had to call and cancel my Sonohysterography. I called my OBGYN today and the practitioner called me back this afternoon. We had a long chat. Turns out that they do believe I have PCOS but they havn't had medical proof yet. I have all the signs (except hair loss and lower back pain) but nothing has shown in my blood work or sonogram. This test will tell us something. So for now she said just assume it is PCOS and follow along with what I have been doing (I mentioned my finding in above article) until we can get this test done. This test might not even give them anything medicallt that I have it either. That's what suxs about's not always diagnosed that way...just you symptoms could be good enough. So since she was so chatty I mentioned that it shocked me when I got the referral w/o any calls. She apologized and said the day she wrote it out she planned on calling me but they had a crazy delivery so she didn't get to her calls that night. Then she has had deliveries/c-sections everyday since then! She said they had delivered 12 babies since! Hey come on share the baby dust people!!!! OK so anyway she wants me to call back my radiologist and let them know my circumstance and how my period isn't regular and this test is really important for them to find out what's up? So that's on my agenda for tomorrow.
Also I have to call my regular doctor and set up an appointment because I have having really bad pains (when I lay down (keeping me up at night) in the same area that it could be my uterous or my bladder. Since my sonogram didn't show anything abnormal she wants me to get my bladder checked out. We went over bladder infection symptoms and I dont have lower back pain, pain when urinating or frequently painfully needing to tinkle. I do get a heavy weighing down feeling in my bladder though. I do tinkle alot but I am drinking 100 ounces of water a day so that's a given. Anywho so that's what's up with me......still don't know anything.

Friday, August 19, 2005
AF is Here

So AF (Aunt Flo) finally decided to show her ugly face today. I have been slowly spotting the last couple days. But the weird thing is, the same thing happed July 17-19 last month too but it just stopped. But this morning I know now I do really have it. Some may say (when TTC) this is not good news. But since we truly have started TTC (trying to conceive) with my doctors advise, I havn't had a real AF since May 30th (day 1 of cycle). So now I feel we can start this with a fresh uterous! Now I can start charting with BBT. My doctor said those arent always acurate but I have been advised by many on my I village boards that it does help with someone who has possible PCOS. That eventually I will see some regualrity in when I do ovulate. So I fugured I should give it a go again.
Since AF came I made my appointment for my Sonohysterography. I couldnt until that came. It has to be doine during days 7-12 of my cycle. The first place( where I had my sonogram) I called the woman was so rude. She said, "Sorry hun, but you will have to call back during your next cycle. We are a busy place and during the time you can come we just cant fit you in. Sorry." And she hung up!!! I was so pissed cause look how long it took me to get this AF! First I was pissed and gonna call back but then I started to cry. I guess the stress of everything and the emotions that coem with AF hit me hard. I didnt want to wait till AF came. I want to know what the heck is wrong now! So I calmed myself down and called another place and they have me coming in next Friday. Dave is going to go in late that day so he can drive me back home. But since AF hasnt been here in some time I have to call the day before to let them know if I have normal bleeding still or if it's just spotting. I am downing so much water to get this out of me so I can do this or I will have to wait again! UGH!


So I havn't heard from my OBGYN since my blood work and sonogram were finished. When leaving his office, the day he gave me the scripts, he told me ,"No news is good news." That was July 13th and I had my blood work (July 14th) and Sonogram (August 1st) so I though I was OK. Then I got a referral to have a Sonohysterography ( A.K.A. - Hysterosonogram ). It came with a post it note that said the following:
A more detailed test is necessary for a better diagnosis. Please schedule this test. Follow written instructions. Thank-you.
Ok that's fine but also on the referral page it says my name and then this: History: Primary infertility, ?PCOS
Diagnosis CODE: 628.9, 256.4
OK so shouldn't I have been called? I mean if he's busy then why not a nurse? Just to ease the zillion of concerns running through my mind right now.
When we were in his office he did bring up a possibility of PCOS but he said he would talk to me about it if the tests showed It was a possibility. I did talk to a friend of mine who referred him to me and she said that he is extremely precautionary before he gives out a diagnosis. So she said that is his way of notifying me because he knows nothing right now. I guess if he called me and said the same thing on the post it note I would be reacting the same way. I do know the day of my sonogram the technician said there was nothing wrong that she could see. She talked me through each section saying there were no fibroids or cysts that she could see in uterous, or each ovary. I guess (after reading up on his recent referred procedure) this will get a better look and hopfully tell me what's up.

Thursday, August 11, 2005
Struggling With Things In My Head

I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this. It is kinda airing family dirty laundry but I need something to help me get through it. Plus I dont have many readers so heck why not?
There is so much to tell.....I really don't know how to begin it.
Back in the day after my grandmother passed away my grandfather asked my family to move in with him. This was not the first time he had asked my parents to do this. When my grandmother started to get sick he asked them then too but they declined. You see my grandfather has had quite a few nervous breakdowns throughout his life. I remember at least was around a holiday and my mom spent the majority of it in the hospital with her father...I believe this one was shortly after my grandmother passed away? Anywho he told my mom that he was going to be giving the house to my mom anyway (since her brother moved away to CA many years before and neither one of them were speaking to each other -that's just what my grandfather does when he is mad...basically cuts you out of his life or ignores you when you might not even ever know why) in his will so we could just move in with him now. So we did. I am not sure how old I was? Maybe 8? Then my grandfather started dating this woman and she somehow changed his mind and wanted my parents to buy the house from him but he would still live with us. So my parents did....6 days after everything was finalized my father was laid off from Bethlehem Steel. I am not sure how long after (could be months or a year) my grandfather decided he would buy the morgage back from the bank but keep the house in my parents name. Now throughout the years of my granbdmother being sick and my grandfathers nervous breakdowns the house was neglected. The house started having many problems. Which that is what happens in time to any house. But in my granbdfathers eyes the problems in the house were happening because we were in it...yeah we cracked the foundation and water was coming in in the basement, roof was leaking and deteriorating the wood in the walls.... That's just the brunt of it...there was so much more! But anyway with my grandfather living there he would nag my dad to fix things. My dad would fix things as much as he could. He was always doing things for my grandfather..not just in the house. No my dad wasn't good with money (what little he made having 7 kids and his wife to support) but he was good with his hands and he would drop everything to help out my grandfather with his car or anything he wanted/needed done. My dad fealt he owed that to him. So after my grandfather wouldnt stop pointing out the things that needed fixing he had to take out a Home Equity Loan to fix things up. I remember the bathroom being torn up for my senior prom and I had to get ready in my bedroom mirror. I complained like crazy because I loved the lighting in the bathroom and the mirror was so perfect! All you had to do was sit on the bathroom counter and do your makeup and hair with the mirror right in front of you. My dad was doing all the work the loan was to pay off back taxes from when he was laid the money was gone and things still needed grandfather never let up. I was old enough..I use to hear him complain...that's all I really rememeber about my grandfather when we moved in...him complaining. No sitting on grandpas lap and listening to stories. We all kinda got jipped of dads parents died when we were younger and so did my grandmother. So all we had left was grandpa...but he was never home. Up at 8, showered, out the door and came home usually around 11 pm. He was usually golfing or with his GF...before her he always made time for us...
Anywho back to the dad and mom fell behind of payments due to another lay off at Bethelehem steel and then they closed. My parents were doing what they could to not lose the house due to not paying the bank for the Home Equity Loan. I was old enough to hear and know what was going on. My brother and I (we were over 18 and still living at home- I think he was 18 and me turning 20 soon) received letters in the mail saying the house was going to be auctioned off with all our belongings and gave a date. I had already been looking to move out with a friend (that fell through) so my brother and I got an apartment together. From there my parents hired a lawyer who said everything was fine....later to find out it wasn't and my parents had to be out by the end of October that year. My parents couldn't get ahold of their lawyer at all. So my parents moved what they could out and broke it to my grandfather that they had lost the house. When my grandfather moved out he never told anyone where. He basically broke it off with the whole family.We found him on our own. He never really wanted to listen to my parents about what happened. My Uncle doesnt even know what happened he's just pissed that they lost the house he grew up in...not like my parents werent or my Uncle hasnt spoken to my mom either. Well they have when forced at family functions like our past weddings but it was uncomfortable. So basically my grandfather wrote us off all these years...I think it's about 7 years now? We all have seen him but as soon as he sees us he younger sister has seen him and he looks right at her...he HAS to know it's her cause she looks just like my mom. He just stares and then walks away. I have sent him Christmas Cards, Birthday cards, a Shower invitation to his GF and wedding invitations all with my address on them and he has never responded...just sent a decline to come to my wedding. After that I stopped. My older sister Bree has done the same and got a decline to her wedding. She took it a step further and always sent him a b-day present but after he declined her wedding invite last year she gave up. My sister who was just married didn't even bother. She didnt want him at her wedding. Turns out he was there anyway..not physically but my Uncle brought him there mentally. My Uncle has been using our weddings as a way to try and get back in with my grandfather.He and his GF have taken pictures from both weddings and sent them to him. He also has tried to catch him at home but hasnt succeeded up until this last wedding. I guess whatever my grandfather told him he was so pissed he left the wedding without telling anyone. He came to the actual ceremony but when we went up to the brides room at the reception before being introduced he left. My sister (the bride) noticed when the waitress came around and asked where the vegetarian lasagna went (my uncles GF is a vegetarian). My sister had me call and I left a message sounding concerned. He called and got my hubby and said they wouldnt be back and hung up. We found out from my brother (who also lives in CA) that he had spoken to my grandfather and didnt want to be around our parents. My sister thought he was pissed at her for not inviting him and wished she had because she figured my grandfater had for-warning when we sent invitations to our wedding so he made sure he wasnt home. So we had to calm her down. Every wedding my Uncle startes crap about the house and tries to tell us all how awful our parents are. Usually it's done quietly though. My younger sister went to visit him and all he did was tell her how awful my dad is and such..he did that to my brother when he moved out there too. So every wedding we re-live the loss of the home we all grew up in and wonder why my grandfather cut us out of his life. But we all arent stupid.We saw the stress and how my parents worked so hard to keep our home.But he still tries. He doesnt even know my father or any of us for that matter! He has been in CA and basically cut us all out of his life up until my he talked my brother into moving out there a few years ago....
All night we all were yelling at him in our's some of mine: So you want us to stop talking to our parents so when we get older and it sinks in that there isnt much time left for us so we have to come running back and use what time we have left together to be in their lives? Yeah we learned that lesson from you both!
Also: You love us all so much and tell us how proud you are at how well we grew up! Well we are who we are because of our parents! All I wanted to do was grab my parents and hold them tight. I love them both so much and have total respect for all they did for us all growing up. None of us can complain about missing out on anything in our years with them.Yes we miss our house but we are all happy it was just a house we lost...not each other!Through all of this it has brought us closer. We all have grown up and learned from it and moved on.
My Uncle tried to tell us (not me he has spoken to my 2 sisters since) that my grandfather loves us and misses us. Yeah um...he had many opportunities to contact us.....My youger brothers and sisters went to school with his GF's grandkids and they would tell them how awsome our grandfather was. How he went to games, birthday parties and cruises with them...nice..isn't that a slap in the face?
I don't know what I am suposed to do with all of this? My mom doesnt want us to be upset with my Uncle D or my grandfather. She still wants us to love and respect them. After all they have been doing she still spaks kind words of them...geez when I hear someone is speaking smack about me I am all over them! See she is still being a mother through it all.....I only hope I can be a strong as she is to my own children.
You see I heard what he was pulling, after the fact, at my wedding. He also was doing it at my sisters but I kept myself busy with my hubby and my sisters BF so I didnt pay attention. He has always been up on a pedestal. The cool Uncle in CA who sent us little gifts and visited once in a blue moonand tickled me to death. We really dont know much about him. We know he has skeletons in his closet though. We know he had a bout with drugs (not talking about pot either) and used to call to ask my grandfather for money and he was a drunken bartender. We know this because little ears hear things and absorb like sponges...from my grandfather complaining to my mom when we all went to bed. But it never changed our opinions of him. We never actually saw any of this...all that was hearsay and we were kids. We never knew what made him and my grandfather grow apart either. So we never let any of that affect our opinions of him.
That is until now. I actually saw him in action and saw the pain he brought to us all and especially for it to happen on my sisters wedding day. OK so he didnt want to be in the same room as my parents. So be could have been handled better. Like they could have approached my sister and mentiond in the receiving line that they either had an emergency at home or Erin wasn't feeling well...not just disappear and leave everyone wondering with what little was said to my brother about my parents. So for this I will be hesitant towards him...and the pedestal no longer exists. Not that it will affect him.....he has himself up on one.
So I have done some growing these past couple of days. Growing my older sister Bree learned , my brother who lives out there and now me.....growing up sucks! It's so disappointing. There are other things that have helped me grow up but those are other posts....
But I still dont know what to do now with the whole "grandpa misses us" stuff. Should I start sending the cards again and see if maybe he had a change of heart? The only reason I would would be because he is missing out on his Great Grand-daughter Kaila! Plus all this hate and wondering is getting to me...and hey I am not going to lose anything if I do....he's not in my life now and if he doesnt respond it will just prove that he was just syaing he misses us to my Uncle to get him off his back.

Monday, August 01, 2005

I had my pelvic sonogram today. I mentioned this to a couple people yesterday and they said, "Hey maybe it will show that you are pregnant!" The thought did cross my mind that it was a possibility. But nothing was said during about it. I would think if she saw it she would have said so. She told me that if she saw anything wrong she would tell me and have a doctor come in and talk to me about it. But as she saw my uterus, left ovary, right ovary she said everything looked well. She asked me if I had blood work done and when and I told her that my doctor said he would call if anything was abnormal and he didn't. So she said well with this and your blood work maybe he can pin point something that I don't see. If there's nothing then he'll probably have your husbands sperm count tested and from there put me on clomid. I am not too keen of this idea though. I have heard from being in forums about it that it is very mood altering. Yeah take this stuff but it may make your husband hate you and not want to even touch you while on it! We shall see!
I am a little unhappy though. I was hoping I would find something out about why I wasnt pregnant yet. You would think I would be happy to find out that I have healthy parts! I am sick of being patient. I have been for 2 years now! Ah well at least I have my blog to vent so I dont stress about it after I am off here....
I couldn't sleep for anything last night. I was tossing and turning like crazy. Dave said I kept him up. I wasn't worried about the sonogram. I kept thinking about my sisters rehearsal dinner that we are having at my house. Then in the middle of the night I got up to put my script for the sonogram in my purse. The I looked out my window to see if the woodchuck that has been living under our shed was out. Things just kept popping in my head and it wouldn't stop! now I am so exhausted! My eyes hurt!

Ladiebug Lane

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