Thursday, August 11, 2005
Struggling With Things In My Head

I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this. It is kinda airing family dirty laundry but I need something to help me get through it. Plus I dont have many readers so heck why not?
There is so much to tell.....I really don't know how to begin it.
Back in the day after my grandmother passed away my grandfather asked my family to move in with him. This was not the first time he had asked my parents to do this. When my grandmother started to get sick he asked them then too but they declined. You see my grandfather has had quite a few nervous breakdowns throughout his life. I remember at least one....it was around a holiday and my mom spent the majority of it in the hospital with her father...I believe this one was shortly after my grandmother passed away? Anywho he told my mom that he was going to be giving the house to my mom anyway (since her brother moved away to CA many years before and neither one of them were speaking to each other -that's just what my grandfather does when he is mad...basically cuts you out of his life or ignores you when you try...you might not even ever know why) in his will so we could just move in with him now. So we did. I am not sure how old I was? Maybe 8? Then my grandfather started dating this woman and she somehow changed his mind and wanted my parents to buy the house from him but he would still live with us. So my parents did....6 days after everything was finalized my father was laid off from Bethlehem Steel. I am not sure how long after (could be months or a year) my grandfather decided he would buy the morgage back from the bank but keep the house in my parents name. Now throughout the years of my granbdmother being sick and my grandfathers nervous breakdowns the house was neglected. The house started having many problems. Which that is what happens in time to any house. But in my granbdfathers eyes the problems in the house were happening because we were in it...yeah we cracked the foundation and water was coming in in the basement, roof was leaking and deteriorating the wood in the walls.... That's just the brunt of it...there was so much more! But anyway with my grandfather living there he would nag my dad to fix things. My dad would fix things as much as he could. He was always doing things for my grandfather..not just in the house. No my dad wasn't good with money (what little he made having 7 kids and his wife to support) but he was good with his hands and he would drop everything to help out my grandfather with his car or anything he wanted/needed done. My dad fealt he owed that to him. So after my grandfather wouldnt stop pointing out the things that needed fixing he had to take out a Home Equity Loan to fix things up. I remember the bathroom being torn up for my senior prom and I had to get ready in my bedroom mirror. I complained like crazy because I loved the lighting in the bathroom and the mirror was so perfect! All you had to do was sit on the bathroom counter and do your makeup and hair with the mirror right in front of you. My dad was doing all the work himself..plus the loan was to pay off back taxes from when he was laid off...so the money was gone and things still needed fixing...my grandfather never let up. I was old enough..I use to hear him complain...that's all I really rememeber about my grandfather when we moved in...him complaining. No sitting on grandpas lap and listening to stories. We all kinda got jipped of grandparents...my dads parents died when we were younger and so did my grandmother. So all we had left was grandpa...but he was never home. Up at 8, showered, out the door and came home usually around 11 pm. He was usually golfing or with his GF...before her he always made time for us...
Anywho back to the house....my dad and mom fell behind of payments due to another lay off at Bethelehem steel and then they closed. My parents were doing what they could to not lose the house due to not paying the bank for the Home Equity Loan. I was old enough to hear and know what was going on. My brother and I (we were over 18 and still living at home- I think he was 18 and me turning 20 soon) received letters in the mail saying the house was going to be auctioned off with all our belongings and gave a date. I had already been looking to move out with a friend (that fell through) so my brother and I got an apartment together. From there my parents hired a lawyer who said everything was fine....later to find out it wasn't and my parents had to be out by the end of October that year. My parents couldn't get ahold of their lawyer at all. So my parents moved what they could out and broke it to my grandfather that they had lost the house. When my grandfather moved out he never told anyone where. He basically broke it off with the whole family.We found him on our own. He never really wanted to listen to my parents about what happened. My Uncle doesnt even know what happened he's just pissed that they lost the house he grew up in...not like my parents werent or anything..so my Uncle hasnt spoken to my mom either. Well they have when forced at family functions like our past weddings but it was uncomfortable. So basically my grandfather wrote us off all these years...I think it's about 7 years now? We all have seen him but as soon as he sees us he turns...my younger sister has seen him and he looks right at her...he HAS to know it's her cause she looks just like my mom. He just stares and then walks away. I have sent him Christmas Cards, Birthday cards, a Shower invitation to his GF and wedding invitations all with my address on them and he has never responded...just sent a decline to come to my wedding. After that I stopped. My older sister Bree has done the same and got a decline to her wedding. She took it a step further and always sent him a b-day present but after he declined her wedding invite last year she gave up. My sister who was just married didn't even bother. She didnt want him at her wedding. Turns out he was there anyway..not physically but my Uncle brought him there mentally. My Uncle has been using our weddings as a way to try and get back in with my grandfather.He and his GF have taken pictures from both weddings and sent them to him. He also has tried to catch him at home but hasnt succeeded up until this last wedding. I guess whatever my grandfather told him he was so pissed he left the wedding without telling anyone. He came to the actual ceremony but when we went up to the brides room at the reception before being introduced he left. My sister (the bride) noticed when the waitress came around and asked where the vegetarian lasagna went (my uncles GF is a vegetarian). My sister had me call and I left a message sounding concerned. He called and got my hubby and said they wouldnt be back and hung up. We found out from my brother (who also lives in CA) that he had spoken to my grandfather and didnt want to be around our parents. My sister thought he was pissed at her for not inviting him and wished she had because she figured my grandfater had for-warning when we sent invitations to our wedding so he made sure he wasnt home. So we had to calm her down. Every wedding my Uncle startes crap about the house and tries to tell us all how awful our parents are. Usually it's done quietly though. My younger sister went to visit him and all he did was tell her how awful my dad is and such..he did that to my brother when he moved out there too. So every wedding we re-live the loss of the home we all grew up in and wonder why my grandfather cut us out of his life. But we all arent stupid.We saw the stress and how my parents worked so hard to keep our home.But he still tries. He doesnt even know my father or any of us for that matter! He has been in CA and basically cut us all out of his life up until my he talked my brother into moving out there a few years ago....
All night we all were yelling at him in our heads....here's some of mine: So you want us to stop talking to our parents so when we get older and it sinks in that there isnt much time left for us so we have to come running back and use what time we have left together to be in their lives? Yeah we learned that lesson from you both!
Also: You love us all so much and tell us how proud you are at how well we grew up! Well we are who we are because of our parents! All I wanted to do was grab my parents and hold them tight. I love them both so much and have total respect for all they did for us all growing up. None of us can complain about missing out on anything in our years with them.Yes we miss our house but we are all happy it was just a house we lost...not each other!Through all of this it has brought us closer. We all have grown up and learned from it and moved on.
My Uncle tried to tell us (not me he has spoken to my 2 sisters since) that my grandfather loves us and misses us. Yeah um...he had many opportunities to contact us.....My youger brothers and sisters went to school with his GF's grandkids and they would tell them how awsome our grandfather was. How he went to games, birthday parties and cruises with them...nice..isn't that a slap in the face?
I don't know what I am suposed to do with all of this? My mom doesnt want us to be upset with my Uncle D or my grandfather. She still wants us to love and respect them. After all they have been doing she still spaks kind words of them...geez when I hear someone is speaking smack about me I am all over them! See she is still being a mother through it all.....I only hope I can be a strong as she is to my own children.
You see I heard what he was pulling, after the fact, at my wedding. He also was doing it at my sisters but I kept myself busy with my hubby and my sisters BF so I didnt pay attention. He has always been up on a pedestal. The cool Uncle in CA who sent us little gifts and visited once in a blue moonand tickled me to death. We really dont know much about him. We know he has skeletons in his closet though. We know he had a bout with drugs (not talking about pot either) and used to call to ask my grandfather for money and he was a drunken bartender. We know this because little ears hear things and absorb like sponges...from my grandfather complaining to my mom when we all went to bed. But it never changed our opinions of him. We never actually saw any of this...all that was hearsay and we were kids. We never knew what made him and my grandfather grow apart either. So we never let any of that affect our opinions of him.
That is until now. I actually saw him in action and saw the pain he brought to us all and especially for it to happen on my sisters wedding day. OK so he didnt want to be in the same room as my parents. So be it...it could have been handled better. Like they could have approached my sister and mentiond in the receiving line that they either had an emergency at home or Erin wasn't feeling well...not just disappear and leave everyone wondering with what little was said to my brother about my parents. So for this I will be hesitant towards him...and the pedestal no longer exists. Not that it will affect him.....he has himself up on one.
So I have done some growing these past couple of days. Growing my older sister Bree learned , my brother who lives out there and now me.....growing up sucks! It's so disappointing. There are other things that have helped me grow up but those are other posts....
But I still dont know what to do now with the whole "grandpa misses us" stuff. Should I start sending the cards again and see if maybe he had a change of heart? The only reason I would would be because he is missing out on his Great Grand-daughter Kaila! Plus all this hate and wondering is getting to me...and hey I am not going to lose anything if I do....he's not in my life now and if he doesnt respond it will just prove that he was just syaing he misses us to my Uncle to get him off his back.





0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< back to Ladiebug Lane

Ladiebug Lane


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Our Daily struggles trying to conceive with PCOS and things life throws our way. WANTED: Family seeks new member. Must be small, noisy, and agreeable to 9 months in confined space. All applicants inquire within uterus ASAP!!

  • What is PCOS?
  • My Fertility Chart
  • Ladiebug's Journey
  • The Kellys
  • One Day At A Time
  • Divorced and Sassy
  • No Bowl Of Cherries
  • Simply Thrive
  • Simply Jamie
  • Life As I know It
  • Them VS. Me
  • Home Organization Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting




    Yahoo! Avatars